Inane post that makes no bloody sense :D

This will make NO sense:


Listening to The Hoosiers, 'Cops and Robbers'


Newly showered and sitting at my little coffee table I am trying to pin down exactly what has been bothering me lately. I'm not too sure what is exactly wrong, other than coming off these tablets is making me very irrational and it's driving me fucking insane. I feel like I am going mental and I know how people joke that I am mentsal etc but I worry that I am going mental. The little chinese doctor I go and see now (Dr.Wong or Wing, seriously, it is) keep saying 'What are you meaning 'mental?' Now..I am not being rude but I need someone who understands what I am talking about. She is very nice though and I don't want to seem rude by not going to her again but I'd like someone to talk to :(

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How ever I seem to other people I am always focused in my mind (well, used to be) and I knew what I was saying and what would happen if I did a certain thing or said a certain something. I am unsure now of so much and it confuses the hell out of me.

I get angry. I get angry and irritable and I cannot stop myself. Even going off for a break and coming back helped for what, a day? I don't want to be like this foerever, please. I know the side effects of stopping Keppra are not nice at all and I am suffering with them now. It's like going cold turkey or something.

I don't sleep.
I don't eat.
My vision swims constantly.
I cannot get words right and/or sentences to work.
When I write, some letters are often backwards or I miss letter from words. Example: Keep instead of Keeping. The 'ing' has gone God knows where.
Basic stuff that I have learnt before seems so difficult now.

I feel like I am losing my mind.

No matter how many times they tell me it'll be okay, I keep worrying that it won't. The counsellor is really nice and I do enjoy chatting with her. It doesn't help though. I feel awful as I feel like I am wasting her time and everyone else's. Sometimes I get a horrible feeling in my chest that everyone hates me. I know that's my anxiety playing up but it's really scary. It's hard to explain exactly what happens as it's so sudden.

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Listening to Ultrabeat vs Darren Styles, 'Discolights.'

Just had to have a break from this and nip downstairs as the electric went out again. This hellhole drives me insane. All that I worked for, all those extra hours and sleepless nights desperate to please were for nothing. One day was all it took. One day and everything was gone. My life, my relationship, my friendships and more importantly me. I went.

Sometimes I look into the mirror and I am sure it's not me looking back. That may sound bloody mental but it's how I feel. Don't like it, don't read it etc.

People say I seem better and that I'll be back to normal. I don't think so somehow. It's been 2 years nearly and I've changed, I don't think I can un-change now. It's sad as they have no idea how much I hate some of them. I hate them and the perfect and untroubled little lives they lead. I hate them so much.

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Listening to The Feeling, 'Show some love.'

That's another thing. Listening to this song sort of makes me sad and cheers me up at the same time. I wish I could honestly love someone so honestly and completely that I didn't worry about the relationship every day. I don't think I'll ever be able to do that, after a while I just stop loving them. It's horrible.

I am an incredible flirt, when I say incredible I don't mean 'nobody can resist the charm I exude from ever pore of my being,' I mean by 'Jesus, calm it down.' It's not that I think it's bad to flirt, it's just sometimes I worry that people think I'm...well...y'know...which I'm not. It's weird but I'm really not like that.

Listening to Sam Sparrow, 'Black and Gold.'

I love this bloody song. I like singing it as it makes me grin :) I have skipped the next song as it's 'Rose/Rosie' by The Feeling and I may cry like a bitch. I do love it though as it's lovely. I wish I could have someone sing that to me:

You and your friends
Boxes of ten
Cool to the touch
You warn me so much
The white to your left
The red to your right
Are all that I’d seen
Til I realised the love that I seek
Lies right in-between

Rose
I love ya
Especially today
Rose
I love your delicate way

The chill in my veins
Relieves me from pain
Again and again
I lose all control
Your taking your toll
And I'm no longer sane
Dont be afraid
The love that I show is the love that you made
So dont be afraid
'Cos your in control
I'm just your slave

Rose,
I love ya,
Especially today,
Rose,
I love your delicate way.

Dont let him put you down
I won't let him put you down
'Cos your as good as the rest
And you're much better dressed
I think pink is my colour
I wont drink from no other
Never!

Oh I love ya
Especially today
Especially this way
Oh Rose
I want ya
Believe me this way
Rose
I love your delicate way

Okay, so I did listen to it and yes I am sad now :D! Where is the logic? Where the hell is it for God sake? Obviously I am not called Rose...that would be weird. Also, if anyone ever sings it to me I think I'll laugh. Daft thing to do.

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Listening to Scouting for Girls, 'Heartbeat.'

So yeah, where was I? No idea. Okay! I am feeling somewhat better, despite the fact the cat thinks he is a parrot and is scratching my arm to shit. I shall tolerate him as he is my little boy :)

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Listening to The Feeling, 'Helicopter.'

'I've had this feeling before
my heart is crawling in the mud mud mud
I'd feel much better I'm sure
if I had a helicopter.'

I don't want a helicopter though. Maybe a...jellywopter? Or whatever the daft kids say.

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If I have someone else suggesting a radio station for me to listen to I may freakin' implode. Anyone seen Stressed Eric? Me that is. The whole throbbing (fnarr) temple thing? Me.

God I wish this water was wine. Where is Jesus when you want him? I have wine in the fridge but I need to be up early-ish and I don't want to go down the drinking route again. Nooo, that was a bad few years :/

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I smashed my easter egg. I wished it was a skull, but they wouldn't taste as nice as the chocolate.

This whole post is going to make no sense (wrote snes then!) as it's just basically me sat here thinking of stuff and writing it down. I shall read this back and think 'Fuck sake, shut up.'

Also: Why don't people say what the hell they mean? All these mind games, that is why people are so fucked in the brain.

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Watching Sarahs rabbit until Thursday. It is Sunday today...the thing will be dead by then as it drives me mad. In all seriousness, it frightens me. It looks at me and I can't fathom what it's thinking. Same as snakes and spiders. I don't understand them and I don't like them.

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Listening to Pendulum, 'Propane Nightmares.'

You listen to this and tell me that it doesn't sound like Inspector Gadget! At about 1:06 until 1:15, get it on. Get it on NOW and write back to me and agree. NOW :)



Right...that was an inane post. Off to go and do something...or not :/

Sick

I am completely empty. Just empty. I feel like there's nothing left in me to give.

I am sick of this place, these people...everything. Everyone is the same. I just need to get the fuck away from here and start again. I think I'll look about moving away, maybe I can start again then.

I hate myself.

The hardest thing...

...I've had to do. Writing an email to my boyfriend(?) very difficult. I've sat crying for most of the day and when I'm not crying I am sniffling all the time. My friend was meant to take me out today but I've had to cry off (heh) and say I'm not feeling well. I don't want to depress anyone else over this. Except all you poor buggers reading this message!

I've forgotten when I tookmy last tablets, everything has gone completely out of my mind other than my impending relationship break down and I don't think I've eaten since Wednesday...actually...not I haven't eaten since Wednesday...shit :/ I'm not hungry though, my tummy is full of bubbling lava and if I eat anything I may be sick. I have been sick quite a lot anyway and I don't want to be doing that anymore as it hurts.

I'm going to Birmingham tomorrow and shall do my best to cheer myself up for it, lest I ruin the event for everyone else. I would cancel, but I'll let so many people down and my hotel is already booked...for two people...

I'm mentally and physically exhausted and I know people are worried about me. Please don't. Whatever has happened has obviously been my fault, I'm not sure how, but maybe it's best if I go and be dormant for a bit. I'd love to go and see my mother for a few days and I've been contemplating braving the train on my own, but I'm not sure if I can. I may see if I can pay my father to take me as I think I need to go away from everyone and hibernate for a bit as I am obviously upsetting people. I am very glad I have deleted Facebook, that way people can't look at my statuses and think 'oh GOD!' I am just using this and twitter occasionally. Mainly this blog though.

If you don't like what you read, stop reading, basically.

That's it for now. I've had no acknowledgment that he has received my email, I know he is at work but I think he's ignoring me. Which is fine, he'll be able to read my reply email at his own leisure then instead of a phone call.

I'll see you lot soon!

2:40am blog...WHAT!?

Hullo again!

I'm not really 'with' it to blog properly. Needless to say I am very upset and am just waiting to hear back from the blokey (not sure I can call him my BF anymore...I don't know how this works :S) I've said that he can just text me and tell me when he wants to chat.

So tired now, going to bed as I'm exhausted -_-; I've spent too much time crying and I am rubbing my eyes so much I look like I've got red dye in them :/ ACK!

I've taken myself off Facebook as apparently some of the statuses I've had are upsetting someone, even when they aren't about that person. I can't risk upsetting anyone else as that's never ever been my intention. I am just going to blog on here instead because I can pour out my thoughts on here. The counselling lady (must really learn her name!) says it's good to talk about how I feel and things, but recently it seems that it upsets people when I do. I had some decent advice from friends today though, so at least my brain feels in a slightly better place.

Will blog later in the week/next week I imagine. Bed for me now!

Nigh Night Mr.Blog and blog readers!

Counselling, crying and break ups...

Ah, Mr.Blog...


So, two blogs in a week? Shit, right?

Not a lot of people know that I had to attend a counselling session yesterday. I'm VERY depressed, clinically so. I can't have any tablets as they don't bode well with my current ones for the tumours so...

COUNSELLING....wonderful. I get to talk with a woman who whispers all the time and wears a paisley scarf tied around her hair...NO! NO, NO, NOOOO! I do not want this from my life -_-;

Then she asks me
'So what do you want from life?'
'To be well and return to work...just to be happy really.'
'No...what do you *really* want from life?'
'Uh...what?'

'Who is the real Kat? Who are you?'
'This is making my head hurt.'
'It's okay to cry you know?'
'I'm not crying though :/'

...and other wonderful gems throughout the 30 minute session. Next one is meant to be an hour...Gods...

She broke my head. What a fucking joke it is, but it's one of the things I have to do, says my Neurologist. So...next come ink blots?! I have no idea! Someone please save me.

She asked me about what I dream about, if I remembered them...which I do. I remember all of my dreams. My dream the other night (the one on Tuesday, before I went to counselling was:)

I was on a busy pavement and everyone was jostling me and walking past at an accelerated rate, in the opposite direction. The noise was deafening as there were people on phones, reading papers, chatting and all sorts of things. The noise was driving me crazy. I was the only one in colour and they were all in black and white and wearing old clothes, like in an old movie black and white movie based in New York or something.

I was trying to look for someone or some thing. It seemed like I'd been walking for hours and my feet hurt, I looked down and I'd got no shoes on, just some loose bandages, it was really odd. I got jostled again by someone walking by and had finally had enough and turned around and screamed in amongst all the rushing and busy people 'STOP! JUST FUCKING STOP!' in unison they all stopped and looked at me. It was horrible. They all had completely black eyes, all shiny like marbles and very straight mouths and I remember feeling like I was sweating from the fear of it all.

I could see myself, it seemed like I was looking at myself through their eyes and I suddenly started to shrink, very slowly. I appeared to be clutching my oldest teddy in my left hand and I was wearing a very old dress that I had as a child. My hair was long and curly and my natural red colour. The aspect changed and I was once again looking through my own eyes. I looked up and they all turned away from me and carried on walking again. I sat on the pavement, sobbing into my teddies fur and sucking my thumb.

Needless to say she wrote a lot of that down and nodded a few times -_-; at the next meeting she will talk to me about what steps she thinks I need to start taking and what we need to do to 'help' me. Stop people being cunts? Oh...you can't do that? Well, there's nothing to fix then.


She said I was feeling very down aswell because I have low self-worth. Is it any wonder why? My own boyfriend doesn't want to see me, my best friend has all but been ignoring me and everyone else seems to be functioning normally.

I want him to do it because he wants to, not because of circumstances and the fact he feels 'sorry' for me. Maybe I should take a leaf out of his house mate's book and demand things, she always gets what she wants, from everyone. They all slag her off though and say what a controlling bitch she is, but do any of them say 'no?' Of course they don't. I've never ever given up on hoping that people will go against the grain and wake up...but they don't and I'm too tired now to fight this battle alone. I just wish there was someone else I connected with that would help me and take up the flag by my side and say 'STOP!'

Well...that's it really. I'm waiting for the boyfriend (do I call him that still? I don't know) to tell me I can call him as I need to hash this out. I hate doing things via phone etc but I never SEE him so this is the ONLY way.

Christ, what a fucking shambles. I should have agreed to fuck off with that guy all those years back. I may have been leading a different life by now.

Birthday Blues...

Hello blog!

It is my birthday today, I am 25. Today should be filled with me doing things and enjoying myself, except it isn't really :/

I went out and got my hair done, this pleased me. I met my friend and we had lunch together, went into town and I bought myself some things to cheer me up. This worked for a little while. I came back and sorted out my clothes for the weekend as I am going away for it. On my own. I seem to be doing a lot of things on my own recently. I had a few cards, not one from my mother though, which upset me quite a lot and I did have to 'accidentally' hang up on her when she called as I was sobbing as soon as I heard her 'Happy Birthday my little girl' (I'm sat here crying now and I feel like an idiot) she rang back and I joked that I'd put the phone down with my cheek, which I do sometimes as it's an iPhone.

I had some presents from new friends and visits from new friends aswell, it seems that the people I least expected stuff from came up trumps for me and I am so thankful to them for making me feel a bit better. I did some washing, tidied, cleaned the flat and then started sorting out stuff for the weekend again. Took my Keppra tablets and put music on. Cee Lo Green comes on with 'It's ok' and I start crying...fuck sake -_-;

My boyfriend rings me, I can't really take the call as my father has came over to see me. I explain that I'll text him when my dad has left so that he can call again and I apologise for being busy. My father looks like he wants to ask me something but refrains from doing so as I think he knows it'll upset me and he doesn't understand how to handle crying women...other than with a slap! Heh.

20 minutes later and one father down-I try and call my boyfriend, but he doesn't answer. Thinking that he may be busy I text him, but he doesn't reply for ages. I start cleaning up again and then I receive a text saying his phone had been on silent. Now...in all the times he has been with me he has never, ever had his phone on silent...ever. I ignore this and then call him and we chat. He sounds a bit funny. He asks me about my day etc and I ask why he couldn't come down in the end to see me and his excuse is 'funds.' It is always 'funds.' For ages I had no money and I had to scrimp for it, but I managed to lend off people so that when he came over I could feed him and take him out to dinner and things, all he had to do was petrol really which is apparently £20.00...which I can't really see it being that much. Practically every time he came over he was on an empty tank and he put nowhere near £20.00 in the tank to get him home. I hope I haven't got another one who doesn't want to spend money or do stuff with me, I'll go mad. I had one of those, immature little prick that he was.

Ever since I have received my money I have been giving him petrol money and I paid for the whole weekend the last time he was down (about 2 weeks ago) so I don't understand where 'I haven't go the money' comes from. He had some money for christmas, probably a lot more than I have ever received at Christmas! He spent his money on an xbox and games and things. Now, I don't begrudge him doing this, do NOT get me wrong but if I knew my new partner (it will/would be 6 months in February) had her 25th coming up I'd damn well make sure that at least I'd be there for her. EVEN to just watch films at home with her. It costs him £20.00, that would have been all he would have to have paid. I am not high maintenance, but I would occasionally like to be reminded what my so-called boyfriend looks like.

I was a bit sad about all of this and spoke to a friend of mine and I was told that he'd be there in a heartbeat for me. Now, that may just be his cock talking, but it made me think...well...why can't my boyfriend be here? Is it because I am shit? Is it because noone wants to bother with me? I have no idea. If I am a bitch then please just say so and lets stop this needless charade. I would rather someone just say 'I can't be fucking bothered' than to just try flogging this dead horse.

I received a text from the boyfriend a little later on after I had rang him saying:

'How wude of me, thanks very much for calling, much appreciated :) xxx'

I text back:
'That's alright, you rang me and I couldn't take the call so it was only fair. Sorry about being so quiet on the phone too, this cold is driving me mad and I'm a bit down as it's the first time that I've been on my own for a birthday. Just a bit shit really. I'll let you get on, see you soon xx'

'Nay, I do mean it, thanks for the call :D I mean, what kind of boyfriend can't ring or be with their own girlfriend on the burfday :/ a shitty one at that. I am sorry I can't be there with you tonight, truly :( xx'

Yeah, yeah. Cry me a fucking river...

So I text this:
'Well...I can't really say much as I'm not very happy about it. I'd assumed you'd spent all that money you had at Christmas on the xbox and games so I knew you wouldn't be over. It's a bit sad that I'd been sat thinking 'I wonder if anyone will surprise me with an invite to theirs and a group of friends will be there?' or 'I wonder if (boyfriend) secretly planned to come down.' It's just a bit of a crushing reality, but it is reality and I need to grow the fuck up and stop believing that things happen like that. They don't, not for me anyway. 9pm I was cleaning the house, on my fucking birthday. I shouldn't really moan though, at least I'm not in hospital for this one.'

...and I have had nothing back for a whole hour. Well, he'll be off playing on his xbox I imagine. Good for him. He can start a relationship with it, can't he.





So....at 10:49pm this is what I am doing...on my 25th birthday.


Let my 26th not be here, I want to be as far away from Shropshire as I can be. There's been nothing but trouble since I bloody moved here!

So upset

I am so, so sad. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I just want to die, I can't do this anymore