Inane post that makes no bloody sense :D

This will make NO sense:


Listening to The Hoosiers, 'Cops and Robbers'


Newly showered and sitting at my little coffee table I am trying to pin down exactly what has been bothering me lately. I'm not too sure what is exactly wrong, other than coming off these tablets is making me very irrational and it's driving me fucking insane. I feel like I am going mental and I know how people joke that I am mentsal etc but I worry that I am going mental. The little chinese doctor I go and see now (Dr.Wong or Wing, seriously, it is) keep saying 'What are you meaning 'mental?' Now..I am not being rude but I need someone who understands what I am talking about. She is very nice though and I don't want to seem rude by not going to her again but I'd like someone to talk to :(

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How ever I seem to other people I am always focused in my mind (well, used to be) and I knew what I was saying and what would happen if I did a certain thing or said a certain something. I am unsure now of so much and it confuses the hell out of me.

I get angry. I get angry and irritable and I cannot stop myself. Even going off for a break and coming back helped for what, a day? I don't want to be like this foerever, please. I know the side effects of stopping Keppra are not nice at all and I am suffering with them now. It's like going cold turkey or something.

I don't sleep.
I don't eat.
My vision swims constantly.
I cannot get words right and/or sentences to work.
When I write, some letters are often backwards or I miss letter from words. Example: Keep instead of Keeping. The 'ing' has gone God knows where.
Basic stuff that I have learnt before seems so difficult now.

I feel like I am losing my mind.

No matter how many times they tell me it'll be okay, I keep worrying that it won't. The counsellor is really nice and I do enjoy chatting with her. It doesn't help though. I feel awful as I feel like I am wasting her time and everyone else's. Sometimes I get a horrible feeling in my chest that everyone hates me. I know that's my anxiety playing up but it's really scary. It's hard to explain exactly what happens as it's so sudden.

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Listening to Ultrabeat vs Darren Styles, 'Discolights.'

Just had to have a break from this and nip downstairs as the electric went out again. This hellhole drives me insane. All that I worked for, all those extra hours and sleepless nights desperate to please were for nothing. One day was all it took. One day and everything was gone. My life, my relationship, my friendships and more importantly me. I went.

Sometimes I look into the mirror and I am sure it's not me looking back. That may sound bloody mental but it's how I feel. Don't like it, don't read it etc.

People say I seem better and that I'll be back to normal. I don't think so somehow. It's been 2 years nearly and I've changed, I don't think I can un-change now. It's sad as they have no idea how much I hate some of them. I hate them and the perfect and untroubled little lives they lead. I hate them so much.

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Listening to The Feeling, 'Show some love.'

That's another thing. Listening to this song sort of makes me sad and cheers me up at the same time. I wish I could honestly love someone so honestly and completely that I didn't worry about the relationship every day. I don't think I'll ever be able to do that, after a while I just stop loving them. It's horrible.

I am an incredible flirt, when I say incredible I don't mean 'nobody can resist the charm I exude from ever pore of my being,' I mean by 'Jesus, calm it down.' It's not that I think it's bad to flirt, it's just sometimes I worry that people think I'm...well...y'know...which I'm not. It's weird but I'm really not like that.

Listening to Sam Sparrow, 'Black and Gold.'

I love this bloody song. I like singing it as it makes me grin :) I have skipped the next song as it's 'Rose/Rosie' by The Feeling and I may cry like a bitch. I do love it though as it's lovely. I wish I could have someone sing that to me:

You and your friends
Boxes of ten
Cool to the touch
You warn me so much
The white to your left
The red to your right
Are all that I’d seen
Til I realised the love that I seek
Lies right in-between

Rose
I love ya
Especially today
Rose
I love your delicate way

The chill in my veins
Relieves me from pain
Again and again
I lose all control
Your taking your toll
And I'm no longer sane
Dont be afraid
The love that I show is the love that you made
So dont be afraid
'Cos your in control
I'm just your slave

Rose,
I love ya,
Especially today,
Rose,
I love your delicate way.

Dont let him put you down
I won't let him put you down
'Cos your as good as the rest
And you're much better dressed
I think pink is my colour
I wont drink from no other
Never!

Oh I love ya
Especially today
Especially this way
Oh Rose
I want ya
Believe me this way
Rose
I love your delicate way

Okay, so I did listen to it and yes I am sad now :D! Where is the logic? Where the hell is it for God sake? Obviously I am not called Rose...that would be weird. Also, if anyone ever sings it to me I think I'll laugh. Daft thing to do.

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Listening to Scouting for Girls, 'Heartbeat.'

So yeah, where was I? No idea. Okay! I am feeling somewhat better, despite the fact the cat thinks he is a parrot and is scratching my arm to shit. I shall tolerate him as he is my little boy :)

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Listening to The Feeling, 'Helicopter.'

'I've had this feeling before
my heart is crawling in the mud mud mud
I'd feel much better I'm sure
if I had a helicopter.'

I don't want a helicopter though. Maybe a...jellywopter? Or whatever the daft kids say.

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If I have someone else suggesting a radio station for me to listen to I may freakin' implode. Anyone seen Stressed Eric? Me that is. The whole throbbing (fnarr) temple thing? Me.

God I wish this water was wine. Where is Jesus when you want him? I have wine in the fridge but I need to be up early-ish and I don't want to go down the drinking route again. Nooo, that was a bad few years :/

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I smashed my easter egg. I wished it was a skull, but they wouldn't taste as nice as the chocolate.

This whole post is going to make no sense (wrote snes then!) as it's just basically me sat here thinking of stuff and writing it down. I shall read this back and think 'Fuck sake, shut up.'

Also: Why don't people say what the hell they mean? All these mind games, that is why people are so fucked in the brain.

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Watching Sarahs rabbit until Thursday. It is Sunday today...the thing will be dead by then as it drives me mad. In all seriousness, it frightens me. It looks at me and I can't fathom what it's thinking. Same as snakes and spiders. I don't understand them and I don't like them.

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Listening to Pendulum, 'Propane Nightmares.'

You listen to this and tell me that it doesn't sound like Inspector Gadget! At about 1:06 until 1:15, get it on. Get it on NOW and write back to me and agree. NOW :)



Right...that was an inane post. Off to go and do something...or not :/