So upset

I am so, so sad. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I just want to die, I can't do this anymore

October, November and December!

WHOA!

So I've not blogged since SEPTEMBER?! Well, I have been kind of busy...okay, not busy but I've have no net access for a lot of the time.

Sooo, what's happened:

X Moved into my flat October 1st
X Found out there's a drug dealer living below
X Went into Major A&E with a suspected second stroke
X Came out and the places had been burgled by drug dealer
X Lived with my friend for a week as I was too scared to return
X Came back to my flat
X Argued with DWP over lack of payment since August 21st 2010
X Went for numerous tests and MRI scans at hospital
X Confirmation of lumps in/on my brain
X Paramedics over quite a lot
X Went for a medical interview (Christmas eve)
X Went for Christmas round Shauns dads and had to cook the turkey as his dad had covered it in wrapping paper instead of foil. Highly noxious when cooked.
X Didn't get to see any of my family over Christmas and so they were pissed at me.
X Fell out with Sarah as she's being a stupid cunt and arguing with me in the middle of the pub. She can get to fucking fuck now.
X Got annoyed that I hadn't been told the BF was basically upping and leaving to return home on boxing day. He lives with and around the people he was seeing for drinks etc so why he couldn't leave at a later date I have NO idea. What is it with me and men? I'm always second-best to someone/something, just so fed up of it all.
X Went out to see Grandad etc Boxing Day and did something a little daft, but no harm done so all is cool. I'll do what I want, I'm not letting this illness stop me doing what I want to do. Noone else is going to stop me either, twats.
X Played Xbox games as I have the net for 7 days, whoop!
X Not spoken to the BF much, can't be bothered.

So that's about it really! Sorry it's not more informative but I'm not in the right frame of mind for a lengthy one


Merry fucking Christmas.

Daddy issues :/

Hallo!

Another blog entry...it's not even Christmas ;D

Sooo, what's being going on? Well, I am STILL waiting to get this damn flat. I've obviously outstayed my welcome and my fathers as he's said. Giving me deposit money for a place and basically saying, 'go' kinda gives me the impression he's had enough.
Why should I think he'd be okay with his daughter stopping with him when she's homeless? I've been here just a little over 2 weeks and he's fed up of me? I'm not that surprised, I mean, he wasn't there for 16 years of my life so why would he be here now? Why break a habit of a lifetime? Yet he can quite happily be baking cupcakes with his partners daughter as he is doing now. Hmmmm, yeah.

Ah well, sooner I get the fucking hell out of here the better as I can feel the molten lava racing through my chest, wanting to just explode in the way of a fiery tongue-lashing and vile words. I'm trying to hold the rage in, I really am. It's very difficult.

Take Monday morning. I had little to no sleep Sunday night as I spasmed badly all through the night time. Finally getting to sleep I am then awoken by my fathers face around the door informing me I have to 'get up and clean your grandads house. I'll be back in an hour. Be ready.' Said like a threat aswell. I mean, 6am?! So at 7am I am up, washed and dressed, absolutely exhausted and wanting to cry. He drops he at Grandads where I clean SOLIDLY for 4 hours.

I then go to Sarah's to wait for the guy to see me about the flat. I get a phone call from Jo's silly little daughter who is at school asking if I'll be home for her brother. Am I the mother? No. I say I won't be as I'm going to sort the flat out, I tell her to give her brother the keys so he can get in and she says she will. So, problem solved. Later on, phone call again, which I ignore as I am not her minder. Then I receive a text saying, 'What ever happens tell ---- i'm in school i'll explain tomorrow but i'm helping out some teacher's for the last few lessons :) xx'
What in the hell? So I ring my father and tell him that something weird is going on, he doesn't give a shit because the kids 'aren't his problem,' well...there's a surprise!

I don't get to see the flat as the guy is too busy to show me, bummer :( so I trot back to my Grandads to get a lift from my father back to Jo's, Grandads dirty washing it tow. I take the long way to my Grandads and sit by the river for a little while to think. I was indeed tempted to submerge myself in her chilly depths. The feeling was quite strong and before I could do anything stupid I stood up and carried on walking.

On arriving at Jo's place we notice her daughter, the one I mention above, walking towards the bridge and she has a smug look on her face as she greets us. I shake my head as I have no idea what is actually going on and I don't care as I am so tired that I crash out for an hour. I wake up and a dinner awaits me as an apology of sorts and I wolf it down as I've not eaten all day. I tidy up the kitchen, front room, etc. and return to my 'room' so I am out of the way. I read my book for a little bit and then I hear 'Where IS she?!' from the front room. I abandon the book and peek my head around the corner. Jo is fuming as her daughter is meant to have been home 2 hours ago. She is 13 years old and it's getting dark. Jo and her son take off in one direction and I take off in another, jogging to the cinema, Asda, the underpass, the quarry, all over the place. I get a call about 30 minutes later to come back as she has been found. I start jogging back, my feet and calves burning with my effort. I feel good though, I think I'm going to take up jogging again...after investing in a sports bra...ouch!

I arrive back at the house, flushed in the face and breathing like a rapist. She has not only been missing for 2 hours but she also skipped school after lunch! She'd lied to her teacher and said she had a dentists appointment to attend :/ she was checking whether I was in the house or not as she got home and changed her clothes to go up town. Then she met a 16 year old boy...Christ 0_0;

She has entirely too much freedom for her own good! So now there is a lot of shouting and tears. I am asked to kill the kids Facebook account, which she shouldn't have ANYWAY imho because she is just too young! I get really cross at the lax attitude of parents nowadays, grrr! I get a 'thanks' for running about trying to find her and for killing her FB account. So I turn in for the night as I am exhausted.

Today (Tuesday) has been uneventful, thankfully! No phone call from the guy about the flat though, hopefully there will be one tomorrow as I've had enough. I did get another call though, from Shaun :3 it made my entire day! Hopefully I will get to see him this weekend as I do miss him, a lot. I had a fantastic weekend before all of this crap happened on Monday (I still cannot believe that was all ONE day!) and I spent a lot of time with him :) I didn't think I could feel like this about someone, but I do and I am extremely happy.

Right, I'm off to read my book again!

Night all

xx

Ah, an update !!WARNING!! EMO AHEAD!

Hello my little blog-readers ^_^*

I have much news! Things have been a little on the crazy side for me recently...well, I say 'recently,' it's the past year or so.

December 2009: I had a TIA and end up in hospital until January time. I was also 'diagnosed'
(I say this loosely as they are still uneasy about naming it this) with something called 'Asymmetrical brain disorder,' or something along those lines :D I can never remember what they tell me now -_-; I need to write things down all the time on paper so I can remember it :/ I feel like I have memory loss now!! It's some version of it.

August: I split up with Gareth after 2 years. It was a...'amicable split,' so far anyway. I'm getting a little annoyed though with certain aspects of it all as I'm made out to be the 'bad guy,' oh! If only they knew :P

August, end of: My family in devon (consisting of mum, Rae and her boyfriend) have been in a bad car crash :( I wasn't sure how bad until I found out that they had been lying to me about everyone being at home and being 'fine.' Rae and Rob were at home and mum is STILL in hospital :'( she should be out of hospital by this wednesday (8th September) so I can finally chat to her. I know that she wanted to keep me 'safe' from the knowledge that she was ill as she worries about me and says that I can't 'take anymore bad news,' I'm not going to break! I would prefer people to tell me the truth, I've been lied to about other important things and I don't want it to carry on! Hopefully I'll have more news on everyone's health when I write next (God knows when that will be!) I pray it's all good news in any case. I just wish the person that is sticking the pins in my doll would fuck off already!

September: I started dating Shaun <3 style="font-weight: bold;">

At the moment I have children talking to me in my ear and I cannot concentrate! ARGH! Bugger orf ;P I am living with my father, his partner and her kids (the girl is 13 and the boy is 11) I get peace mainly, I do try and stay in the one front room (they have 2) as it's 'Kat's space,' apparently. I do need the peace though, not for antisocial reasons, but because I must have quiet sometimes so that my brain can rest. I feel worse each week in a different way than last. My eye is the thing that's annoying me the most recently, my right one feels a lot weaker than the other. I'm also saying words wrong and sometimes write letters backwards :( I try and be as ambidexterous as I can be (the children have gone now, so I can concentrate) although my writing with my left hand sucks.

I hope the new flat is ready soon. I am in my fathers debt for putting me up like this, I know they appreciate the fact that I take the kids out (with a sniper rifle if I had my way...j/k) and that I do a lot of housework and stuff but I do feel like I am a huge pain in the arse here and I want to have my own space again. I need to rustle up £285.00 for the first months rent in advance, but I've been told I can sign a bond that enables me to do away with paying any deposit etc, I'd just have to pay for anything I break (it's unfurnished so I doubt I'll be smashing anything of mine up!) I just hope everything goes a little smoother than it has been doing recently.

I THINK that's about it, I've got to go now as don fajah has asked me to check his magical chip cooking machine (one of those ones that you have to put in a spoon of oil rather than a litre) otherwise he will do my head in about it -_-;

See yah all!

xxx

Running and a new regime

Okay, today is Thursday 11th of February.

A lot has happened since my last post-I suffered a mini-stroke (TIA) back in December and it has left me with partial paralysis in my rght arm and leg. I also suffer from severe focal migraine, basically this means that parts of my body become numb when I suffer from an attack. I am currently off work and have been for nearly 2 months. I visited my Doctor today and he has signed a sick-note for another 2 weeks, in this time I'm going to try and sort out my health (other than the paralysis that is.)

So, day of new regime goes:

Swimming on Monday night and Wednesday night (time table below) from about 6:30pm-7:30pm, this gives me a solid hour warming up for running later on.
Running at night, most nights if I can (must remember to keep away from bikers-most of them seem to not have lights on their bloody bikes!) around 7:00pm-ish until 7:30pm-8:00pm.

Opening Hours

Monday-Friday (except Thursday-see below) 8.00 am - 9.00pm (last ticket 8.30pm)
Thursday & Bank Holidays: 8.00am - 6.00pm (last ticket 5.30pm)
Saturday: 8.00am - 4.30pm last ticket 4.00pm
Sunday: 8.00am - 5.30pm (last ticket 5.00pm)

Hopefully this will be easy enough to stick to. I enjoyed my run tonight in any case, I do need to remember to buy a sports bra at some stage as having no bra on killed me! I cannot use my regular bra as it seems to hurt when I run.

Jogging through the quarry tonight I realised how beautiful it was to watch the street lights hit the water, it gave me something decent to look at whilst thinking about things. Recently I realise I have lost my purpose in life, I don't really have anything I am striving towards and this makes me depressed. The new tablets I have been assigned shall hopefully fix the migraine problems and I can get back to work-I figure if I bury myself within work and exercise I shall bury my problems and my roaming mind will be kept busy. I have been thinking about all the things I don't have-not on a materialistic level, but on a enriching my life type of vein. I've never wanted these things before and coming to terms with my need for them now has left me grmpy and contemplative. As I say, if I am kept busy my exercise at least then my mind will hopefully shut up and my inner body clock will be kept silent aswell.

Food is a big problem for me, at the moment (past month) I have been eating less and less-this is to do with me stuck inside though and not using up any extra energy. I want to try and stick to:

1. 2 slices of toast with marmalade or jam/Crunchy nut cornflakes in the morning
2. I am going to miss out my afternoon meal (I haven't been having anything anyway)
3. At night I am probably going to have crunchy nut cornflakes (dependng on how I feel and what I am doing later that day) soup/baked potato/salad/small stir fry.

Hopefully this will work out. I am also determined to cut down on my sugar and salt intake as it is truly shocking! 4 sugars ina cup of tea or coffee?! It's madness really. I'll see if I can take up kick boxing at a later stage, but I feel that will probably be a bit too strenous for my leg to get back into doing. I think I'm coping quite well concidering most of the time I feel like I'm losing touch of the real world. I'm not going to write down my current woes as I don't really want people to read it-plus I don't want to be constantly reminded of the things I can't have.

Well that's it for now, I'm going shopping with Marie tomorrow so I'll try and purchase a swimming costume whilst I am out-that is my main goal as I used to love swimming.

Right, that's me done! I'll pop another entry down when I have news.