Birthday Blues...

Hello blog!

It is my birthday today, I am 25. Today should be filled with me doing things and enjoying myself, except it isn't really :/

I went out and got my hair done, this pleased me. I met my friend and we had lunch together, went into town and I bought myself some things to cheer me up. This worked for a little while. I came back and sorted out my clothes for the weekend as I am going away for it. On my own. I seem to be doing a lot of things on my own recently. I had a few cards, not one from my mother though, which upset me quite a lot and I did have to 'accidentally' hang up on her when she called as I was sobbing as soon as I heard her 'Happy Birthday my little girl' (I'm sat here crying now and I feel like an idiot) she rang back and I joked that I'd put the phone down with my cheek, which I do sometimes as it's an iPhone.

I had some presents from new friends and visits from new friends aswell, it seems that the people I least expected stuff from came up trumps for me and I am so thankful to them for making me feel a bit better. I did some washing, tidied, cleaned the flat and then started sorting out stuff for the weekend again. Took my Keppra tablets and put music on. Cee Lo Green comes on with 'It's ok' and I start crying...fuck sake -_-;

My boyfriend rings me, I can't really take the call as my father has came over to see me. I explain that I'll text him when my dad has left so that he can call again and I apologise for being busy. My father looks like he wants to ask me something but refrains from doing so as I think he knows it'll upset me and he doesn't understand how to handle crying women...other than with a slap! Heh.

20 minutes later and one father down-I try and call my boyfriend, but he doesn't answer. Thinking that he may be busy I text him, but he doesn't reply for ages. I start cleaning up again and then I receive a text saying his phone had been on silent. Now...in all the times he has been with me he has never, ever had his phone on silent...ever. I ignore this and then call him and we chat. He sounds a bit funny. He asks me about my day etc and I ask why he couldn't come down in the end to see me and his excuse is 'funds.' It is always 'funds.' For ages I had no money and I had to scrimp for it, but I managed to lend off people so that when he came over I could feed him and take him out to dinner and things, all he had to do was petrol really which is apparently £20.00...which I can't really see it being that much. Practically every time he came over he was on an empty tank and he put nowhere near £20.00 in the tank to get him home. I hope I haven't got another one who doesn't want to spend money or do stuff with me, I'll go mad. I had one of those, immature little prick that he was.

Ever since I have received my money I have been giving him petrol money and I paid for the whole weekend the last time he was down (about 2 weeks ago) so I don't understand where 'I haven't go the money' comes from. He had some money for christmas, probably a lot more than I have ever received at Christmas! He spent his money on an xbox and games and things. Now, I don't begrudge him doing this, do NOT get me wrong but if I knew my new partner (it will/would be 6 months in February) had her 25th coming up I'd damn well make sure that at least I'd be there for her. EVEN to just watch films at home with her. It costs him £20.00, that would have been all he would have to have paid. I am not high maintenance, but I would occasionally like to be reminded what my so-called boyfriend looks like.

I was a bit sad about all of this and spoke to a friend of mine and I was told that he'd be there in a heartbeat for me. Now, that may just be his cock talking, but it made me think...well...why can't my boyfriend be here? Is it because I am shit? Is it because noone wants to bother with me? I have no idea. If I am a bitch then please just say so and lets stop this needless charade. I would rather someone just say 'I can't be fucking bothered' than to just try flogging this dead horse.

I received a text from the boyfriend a little later on after I had rang him saying:

'How wude of me, thanks very much for calling, much appreciated :) xxx'

I text back:
'That's alright, you rang me and I couldn't take the call so it was only fair. Sorry about being so quiet on the phone too, this cold is driving me mad and I'm a bit down as it's the first time that I've been on my own for a birthday. Just a bit shit really. I'll let you get on, see you soon xx'

'Nay, I do mean it, thanks for the call :D I mean, what kind of boyfriend can't ring or be with their own girlfriend on the burfday :/ a shitty one at that. I am sorry I can't be there with you tonight, truly :( xx'

Yeah, yeah. Cry me a fucking river...

So I text this:
'Well...I can't really say much as I'm not very happy about it. I'd assumed you'd spent all that money you had at Christmas on the xbox and games so I knew you wouldn't be over. It's a bit sad that I'd been sat thinking 'I wonder if anyone will surprise me with an invite to theirs and a group of friends will be there?' or 'I wonder if (boyfriend) secretly planned to come down.' It's just a bit of a crushing reality, but it is reality and I need to grow the fuck up and stop believing that things happen like that. They don't, not for me anyway. 9pm I was cleaning the house, on my fucking birthday. I shouldn't really moan though, at least I'm not in hospital for this one.'

...and I have had nothing back for a whole hour. Well, he'll be off playing on his xbox I imagine. Good for him. He can start a relationship with it, can't he.





So....at 10:49pm this is what I am doing...on my 25th birthday.


Let my 26th not be here, I want to be as far away from Shropshire as I can be. There's been nothing but trouble since I bloody moved here!