Counselling, crying and break ups...

Ah, Mr.Blog...


So, two blogs in a week? Shit, right?

Not a lot of people know that I had to attend a counselling session yesterday. I'm VERY depressed, clinically so. I can't have any tablets as they don't bode well with my current ones for the tumours so...

COUNSELLING....wonderful. I get to talk with a woman who whispers all the time and wears a paisley scarf tied around her hair...NO! NO, NO, NOOOO! I do not want this from my life -_-;

Then she asks me
'So what do you want from life?'
'To be well and return to work...just to be happy really.'
'No...what do you *really* want from life?'
'Uh...what?'

'Who is the real Kat? Who are you?'
'This is making my head hurt.'
'It's okay to cry you know?'
'I'm not crying though :/'

...and other wonderful gems throughout the 30 minute session. Next one is meant to be an hour...Gods...

She broke my head. What a fucking joke it is, but it's one of the things I have to do, says my Neurologist. So...next come ink blots?! I have no idea! Someone please save me.

She asked me about what I dream about, if I remembered them...which I do. I remember all of my dreams. My dream the other night (the one on Tuesday, before I went to counselling was:)

I was on a busy pavement and everyone was jostling me and walking past at an accelerated rate, in the opposite direction. The noise was deafening as there were people on phones, reading papers, chatting and all sorts of things. The noise was driving me crazy. I was the only one in colour and they were all in black and white and wearing old clothes, like in an old movie black and white movie based in New York or something.

I was trying to look for someone or some thing. It seemed like I'd been walking for hours and my feet hurt, I looked down and I'd got no shoes on, just some loose bandages, it was really odd. I got jostled again by someone walking by and had finally had enough and turned around and screamed in amongst all the rushing and busy people 'STOP! JUST FUCKING STOP!' in unison they all stopped and looked at me. It was horrible. They all had completely black eyes, all shiny like marbles and very straight mouths and I remember feeling like I was sweating from the fear of it all.

I could see myself, it seemed like I was looking at myself through their eyes and I suddenly started to shrink, very slowly. I appeared to be clutching my oldest teddy in my left hand and I was wearing a very old dress that I had as a child. My hair was long and curly and my natural red colour. The aspect changed and I was once again looking through my own eyes. I looked up and they all turned away from me and carried on walking again. I sat on the pavement, sobbing into my teddies fur and sucking my thumb.

Needless to say she wrote a lot of that down and nodded a few times -_-; at the next meeting she will talk to me about what steps she thinks I need to start taking and what we need to do to 'help' me. Stop people being cunts? Oh...you can't do that? Well, there's nothing to fix then.


She said I was feeling very down aswell because I have low self-worth. Is it any wonder why? My own boyfriend doesn't want to see me, my best friend has all but been ignoring me and everyone else seems to be functioning normally.

I want him to do it because he wants to, not because of circumstances and the fact he feels 'sorry' for me. Maybe I should take a leaf out of his house mate's book and demand things, she always gets what she wants, from everyone. They all slag her off though and say what a controlling bitch she is, but do any of them say 'no?' Of course they don't. I've never ever given up on hoping that people will go against the grain and wake up...but they don't and I'm too tired now to fight this battle alone. I just wish there was someone else I connected with that would help me and take up the flag by my side and say 'STOP!'

Well...that's it really. I'm waiting for the boyfriend (do I call him that still? I don't know) to tell me I can call him as I need to hash this out. I hate doing things via phone etc but I never SEE him so this is the ONLY way.

Christ, what a fucking shambles. I should have agreed to fuck off with that guy all those years back. I may have been leading a different life by now.